Wednesday, June 14, 2017

We were playing doctor . . . .

Unresolved feelings. Last night, my daughters had a friend over, let's call him Eric. My girls love Eric, as do my husband and myself. we could hear the three of them downstairs, listening to 'Annie' music. We have been doing this since April, when our sitter played the delicious part of Ms. Hannigan.

I am stuck. I am having difficulty writing this. Fast forward an hour. I am talking to Eric's mom outside in my backyard when my older daughter came outside. I say,

"Ladybug, where are your sister and Eric?"
"Mom, they locked the bathroom door and won't let me in?"
"Locked the bathroom door? What are they doing in there?"

Needless to say, I was concerned, but not too concerned, because Eric is a nice kid. Moments later, he shows up outside with our cat.

"What were you doing in the bathroom with Honeypie? That is not appropriate!" his mother says firmly to him.

They leave. I go inside and I speak to Honeypie. I am not mad at her. I am concerned, however, I think that my tone indirectly shamed her. We talk for a few minutes. Eric pulled her pants down. She said that she did not want that to happen and that she covered her parts.I explained to her that this was not her fault, but then in the same breath talked to her about who is allowed to see her parts.

Afterwards, Honeypie was angry. She wanted to throw her birthday present away. I simply held her. I feel emotionally barren and unable to fully provide the care she needed in that moment. 

Ironically, Eric's mother called me after the incident where we talked about this.  

http://www.stopitnow.org/sites/default/files/documents/files/do_children_sexually_abuse_other_children.pdf


Feeling Overwhelmed . . .

I am in search of some inspiration. At the present moment, by husband is about to lose his job; I am beginning the job search as well as entertaining the idea of returning for the FNP in efforts to add to the stability of our family.

I have been looking for a sign of sorts, something to point me concretely in the direction that I should choose.  Alas, I have not been able to discern a clear answer. What I do not want to do is to make a decision based on fear. I want to make a decision based on joy and enthusiasm, a search for a new adventure that provides a level of mindfulness that I can embody and be with my family.

So time is ticking and I need to write a compelling personal statement as to why I am qualified to be admitted to XYZ University for a post-master's certificate. Forget the fact that I obtained my original NP degree from them. Forget the fact that I have already gone back for a second certification at this institution. What I am concerned about is the fact that I left the doctoral program and that they may not want to re-admit me.

I need a story as to why I want to add the pediatric component to my already Adult and Women's Health Care Certification. The one word answer  simply is BRIDGE. Bridge. I believe that as an FNP, I would be a more effective bridge, a bridge between parents and children; a bridge between educational systems and health care; a bridge between the perceived self and the authentic one.


The Ache

I really like my job as an NP in a small student health center. While the pay isn't great and truly, there is no prestige, I have the opportunity to meet a variety of people of a variety of ages (believe it or not) and I get to live vicariously. 

Many of these students embark on amazing life journeys, whether that is to Australia, Zimbabwe, or simply to downtown. Their lives are pregnant with possibilities, ready to emerge into this world at that right time. I meet musicians, future veterinarians, law enforcers. 

While much of the above can be said about any clinician's office.  What is special about mine, is that I have been privileged to have the time to listen, I mean really listen to their life stories.  I get to witness, and sometimes hold their pain with them, when they need a little respite.

Enter Sarah (of course, not her real name). Sarah is a thirty year old female who is studying to be an elementary school teacher who came to see me for a breast ache. This ache, which was located in her right breast, primarily, had been an ongoing issue for months.  While not able to palpate any bumps or lumps, this ache, which had not altered, and in her mind was not musculoskeletal related, was weighing heavily on her mind.

Like many of the students that I see, Sarah has way too much on her plate.  She is working part-time, going to school full-time, is married and has a nine year old daughter and a four year old son.