Faith or lack thereof...

Gratitude. that is how I try to begin and end every day. When we say our prayers, Ladybug and I reflect on what we are grateful for. Usually, she is grateful for Daddy, Mommy's Milk, Mommy, and then our friend K, who currently is in remission from a GI cancer. No one in our family had cancer last year. Although we certainly have experienced some loss. The miscarriage in November through us all for a little loop. While I am sad that we went through this and would have preferred to have brought a few family member home this June, I can say that I am glad that we have had this experience.

Ladybug knew we were pregnant before we told her. Upon asking, we had fibbed multiple times telling her that Mommy was eating too much, etc. However, after two weeks of this, it began to feel very dishonest. Our little one persistently inquired. It was too much. So, after a dating ultrasound at 9 weeks, we caved and told her the truth. She was so excited and had grand plans. When we miscarried, she was very sad. Our faith really helped in this situation, and I will most likely write more about this later, but she really seemed more at peace when we told her that her sister was in heaven with God. She asked when the 'new' sister would come and needless to say, we told her that we would have to talk to God about this.

Two days ago, she began asking God for a new sister whenever we prayed. She saves clothes for this new sister, who may or may not come. She saves toys for this little potential person. She seems to really embody a faith that God will provide her this little sibling and she does not worry at all. Which leads me to ask, how do we truly develop this faith and how does it seem to get lost along our spiritual path? There have been family financial/social issues ensuing over the last few months that makes me wonder whether it would be prudent to have another child. Which, when I pause, feel is ridiculous, yet when I look at the strain that all of this has on my spouse, I realize maybe not.

A wise person at work told me to just say yes' to God, even though we don't have a clue about hisplan. Everyday, I pray that my life is an example of yes, yet I cannot seem to get through the muck that is holding my life together.